Becton
(Best Ever Computer Tech not an Ordinary Nerd)
I was busy today, well not really but I made it look like I was busy, doing very important work. I kept getting up and walking out of the office as if I was in a hurry carrying some paperwork, people would even move out of my way. Then a short while later I would walk back in looking just as busy, sit down and start typing away at high speed without even looking up. Each time I was out of the office I would just go for a snack but no one else knew that.
It was my plan to be putting in this much effort, as Becton doesn’t like to exert himself for no reason. Today the additional duties were going to be reallocated, and I had no interest in becoming the first aid rep, or the trash monitor. Extra work for no extra pay, that’s like working for free, who would want to do that! I had learned that my work colleges also shared this same philosophy, so there were no volunteers, which meant the positions would just be delegated by the boss. I was getting the feeling that the boss didn’t like me and that he believed I had something to do with the recent events that had caused him such grief, but he couldn’t prove anything. My cunning plan was to make it look like I was too busy to take on any extra responsibilities. Unfortunately if didn’t work, just before lunch time he came up to my desk, put a red helmet on my head and said ‘ congratulations Becton you are the new fire warden’ then he walked off to go and give out some more bad news to another unfortunate person.
I was depressed, more work how will I cope? So I took an extra-long lunch break so I could fit in an extra-large lunch! While munching on my BBQ side of beef, I had a thought. As far as I knew there had never been a fire at the company, and it had been there for a long time. So no fires means no work for the fire warden. ‘Becton you are a genius’, so I finished my sixth bowls of chips and went back to the office, no longer depressed. There was a folder on my desk with a large label saying duties and responsibilities of the IT dept fire warden. So I put it in my drawer and thought, in case of fire open drawer, job done.
A couple of weeks passed and I slacked right off, if anyone asked me to do something I always said sorry I am too busy with fire warden work, this was really working well for me. I am so glad they didn’t make me be the first aid rep, people were always dropping computers on their toes and electrocuting themselves in our department, it would be never ending. I was however getting emails from someone at the company who I had never heard of, they were all about fire warden training and meetings and stuff like that. I guess this guy didn’t know there had never been a fire, and anyway what were we supposed to do if there was one, call the emergency services and let them deal with it, that what, it doesn’t take much training to pick up a phone. So I added this annoying guys email address to my spam filter, that will solve that little problem.
Another week drifted past and I was where I wanted to be, excuses to not do any work, long lunches and plenty of time to download movies for my collection. I even considered sending an email to my girlfriend, but I had no idea which prison she was in, and I couldn’t even remember her name. I guess this is one of those long distance relationships. Suddenly an alarm when off, damm it was loud, what was that all about, computers don’t make that much noise. I heard someone shout fire alarm, ‘oh no I am supposed to do something, but what?’ In case of fire open drawer I remembered, but which drawer? There were loads of them. So I thought I should just use my common sense, I put on the red fire warden’s helmet and called the emergency services, ‘we have a fire’ I told the operator, ‘it’s a 60 story building’ and I gave her the address. As soon as I put the phone down there were people all around me, ‘what do we do Becton’. ‘ We wait for the fire department to get here’ I said. Someone popped up and said ‘so we just burn until they get here, what a great plan’. I didn’t like that person, but she had a point. ‘OK let all go downstairs’ I led the way to the lifts, when some other bright spark pointed out a sign that said ‘in case of fire do not use lifts’ I told them that this was an emergency so that didn’t count. So we all started getting into the lifts and went down to the ground floor. The security guards were still at their desk in the lobby, but they stood up and were about to say something when we heard a fire truck come around the corner with sirens screaming, this will followed by 3 more, plus police and other cars from various other emergency services, there was even a van from a TV channel.
The firemen rushed in asking security where the fire was, the security guards looked blank, ‘it’s a fire drill as far as we know’ one said. The head fireman was not happy and stormed out. I turned to my department and said ‘well done fire drill is over, we all survived, let’s go back to work’ so we all started getting in lifts to go back up, but I took my red helmet off as a precaution. Back in the office one of the IT geeks looked out of the window and saw all the other departments standing outside at the back of the building. ‘Hey Becton, I think we should be down there with everyone else’ he said.
I took a look and saw all the people, they looked cold and it started to rain, but they couldn’t go anywhere until everyone was accounted for, I’m sure they won’t miss us I thought. Then I faced the rest of the department and said ‘ they have had to walk down 40 flights of stairs just to stand outside in the cold and wet for an hour, who would you rather have as your fire warden?’ ‘yeah, Nice one Becton’ ‘you da man’ was the response. Now as long as everyone forgets about the fire service arriving, I am the hero of the day.
Next time
A new boss takes over
